The people with whom we spend our time determine what conversations dominate our attention, and to which attitudes and opinions we are regularly exposed. Eventually, we start to eat what they eat, talk like they talk, read what they read, think like they think, watch what they watch, treat people how they treat them, even dress like they dress. They funny thing is, more often than not, we are completely unaware of the similarities between us and our circle of five (friends).
As I grow older, I come to realize my own limits. I always thought I could do everything like in high school. I was able to participate in every club, take the toughest courses, and accept any challenge life threw at me. I was always placed in a situation where something had to give and I collapsed on my own self. In the end I came out stronger and wanting tougher challenges to take on.
College came and the options came flooding in. I went into college with the same superman mentality and it resulted in a total burn out my 2nd year. School in the morning, having every meal with a person, doing hw and socializing at night. I balanced everything really well. But I never had time for myself. I was always engrossed in the presence of others.
I collapsed into a really bad depression my 2nd year. I became a husk of my former self. All I did was do a shit ton of drugs and played video games. I didn’t have the motivation to do anything else. I snapped out of it my Spring quarter and got a job that turned into my career post-college.
My 3rd year, I kept to myself and my close friends. Focused on school and work. I re-assumed a lot extra-curriculars and now I am burnt the fuck out again. I realized I can’t do everything.
I felt really depressed cause I couldn’t really satisfy everyone that I cared about. But I need to prioritize my own well-being over others.
I resolve from now on to say no more than I say yes. Focus on what makes me happy and fulfilled.
Easier said than done though.
The one thing that I learned in my 3rd year is that personal time is my most treasured time. I enjoy the company of others, but I need to recharge by being with myself.
I think I’ve written this narrative at least once a year on this blog. I hate how it is a repeating fault of myself. I really want to help everyone, but I simply can’t..
“The more attention you give that thing, the more it wants.
I fucking hate myself.
“People kept asking me what are you doing, and why? my answer was always the same. i dunno, and because i can. its the only real reason to do something i guess. i just wanted to see this picture in my mind come to reality. so i did. that it.